i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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