to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
