Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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