Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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