wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
