I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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