I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
