new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
is wine microwaveable?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
