i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
