I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
