you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
