Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
