I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
