When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize