Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I didn't notice because vodka
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize