I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
