Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize