watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Someone shattered a urinal.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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