I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
