Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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