think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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