Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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