Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize