I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
