OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
