We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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