My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
