Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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