I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
