no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
