i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
