I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
