you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
