I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You are the jesus of drinking
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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