just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
