I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
