I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
