I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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