walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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