Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
