I accidentally had phone sex last night
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
