So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
