On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize