I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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