I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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