i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize