my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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