I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
