normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
