I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
