If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
