let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
