Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
