This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
