I got her a Nickelback box set.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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