Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
