Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
