Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
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